Lights

I have been a big fan of this song since the moment I heard it, but I thought I would post the lyrics because they seem to run deep.  They seem to course through my veins every time I hear this song.  They are nothing short of powerful and moving. Enjoy.

"Lights" by Ellie Goulding

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone

Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Home

Yeah, hee

Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Quest for Equality

I find myself sitting here and watching a documentary entitled "This Is Love In Action Looks Like" which is about parents sending their homosexual children to a Christian camp to turn them into ex-gays.

There are a mix of emotion going on here.  How is this tolerable? I can barely tolerate watching this, but I am forcing myself to so that I may be more educated on some of the ridiculous things happening to our youth today. Now, I thought that my coming out was sort of rough where hell was my ultimate destiny if I "chose" to remain in the homosexual lifestyle, but I am now counting my lucky stars that I was only sentenced to Christian counseling and not a Christian camp to exile me out of homosexuality.

Don't get my wrong, I believe in Jesus, but I am very reluctant to deem myself a Christian for I don't agree with organized religion for many reasons which would be a great topic for another post.  I am just appreciative that there is a good side to this documentary where it describes how you can be a homosexual and a Christian.  That these two things can coexist together in harmony.  But yet there are so many people that believe that these two things are separate entities and not equal ones; that you cannot be both...you can only be a Christian (which is the only right thing) OR you can be homosexual.   These things are preached to not exist together because that would be blasphemy.  Ha, right. Hypocrites.  This is why I don't like or agree with organized religion.  People preach love and acceptance but are the first ones to close the door and not treat others as equals.  Where did that love and acceptance flee to?  Why did it dissipate? Riddle me that organized religious lovers, riddle me that.

The United States has come along way, yes.  The LGBTQ community has more protections that ever before, but there is still along way to go until equality happens. I hope to see equality in my lifetime for I would love nothing more to marry the love of my life.  Sure, we can get a civil union in a state where it is allowed, or we can travel to a state where gay marriage is legal but it is only legal and recognized in that state, but that is not enough for me. I am NOT a second class citizen.  I am no less than any heterosexual.

So my burning questions to all those Americans out there, especially those who are in charge of running our country, who don't view LGBTQ as equals.....whatever happened to the separation of church and state?  And when did your religious beliefs trump my equal rights?

Lone Ranger

I miss you. I miss being able to be around you without the world and it's responsibilities getting in the way. I have had such great news in the last week. I'm going to marry you.  I don't know when, I don't know how, but it's going to happen.  This is great news, but the one person I want to celebrate with is you, my other half, but you are working. I have no celebrations, no joys, no one here.  I feel alone, especially when I don't get to spend anytime with you...when I am sitting alone in our home wondering when you are going to come home to me.

I look around at others who are always together, who can talk to each other at any time of the day, who get to spend quality time together.  Is it so wrong of me to want that?  I know that careers are important and responsibilities have to be met; I understand that. Call me selfish, call me anything, that's find.  I just want you here with me. I want to feel like you are here supporting me in my efforts to tell my good news, in being scared to go home and tell my family, to face un-acceptance once again. I don't want to be alone.  Is it always going to be like this?

I don't know what else to do with myself. I am here. You are my companion, but you are always gone, always busy.  I know it's your career, it's your life, but now I am a big part of your life as you have said.  I want you to see me.  I don't want to be lost in the shuffle of your busyness. Don't let me parish and get swept under your rug. Don't let me be here without you.  I need to feel you, to know, to feel some sense of joy and happiness to spend time with me once you are home instead of you embracing sleep so quickly and falling into the darkness without me.  I try to chase after you, but I can never find it.  It's too dark and I have no more light without your shine.

What Means the Most?

On my drive home from my internship today, I pondered about the things in life that mean the most to me. Do people? Places? Relationships? Things? What is it that means the most to me?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is the little, simple things.  Of course the big things mean so much, but big things such as accomplishments, life experiences, love, etc. come about because of the little things.

Noticing God's presence through the blowing of the wind, the smile of a stranger, the song I need to hear coming on my ipod at just the right moment, the rush of energy coming right when I need a second wind, the random acts of kindness by others, the gentle (or not so gentle) push in the right direction, the calm that rushes over me and through me when I need to relax, be still and listen. God's presence is all around, but what means the most to me is when I take the time to notice it.  It is ever present, my mind and awareness just aren't. A text from a significant other or a friend to let me know that someone is thinking of me in that moment. The warm water in the shower or tub when I need to help my muscles relax. A familiar smell reminding me of someone I am missing or of happy memories. Laying down in bed to sleep.  Acknowledging the completion of the day and thanking God for the day and all the good and bad that has happened. Waking up on the "right side of the bed" meaning having a positive mental attitude giving me the strength and the courage to take on whatever the day has in store and thanking God for another day. The way the spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical mesh to make up the "whole" person.  The sun. The moon. The stars. The universe. A hug. A kiss. A deep conversation. Learning something new. A warm meal and cold drink. A reminder that I am loved.  The words of a song, a passage, a saying, or a phrase sinking in so deep that it gives my soul kinetic energy so that I am moved or potential energy so that I can be moved at just the right moment. The beginning. The end. The highs so I can have a glimpse of what life might be about.  The lows so I know how much the highs mean and so that I can fully appreciate all the good things I have in my life. Life and death because they both have so much to teach me. You. Me. Those are a few of the things that mean the most to me.

Wrapped & Twisted

*I wrote this back in 2002 and it's one of my favorites.


Harsh words & violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm wrapped & twisted
So many tricks & so many lies
Too many whens & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, wrapped & twisted
Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listning loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
Lost in someone so wrapped & twisted
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm wrapped & twisted
Burnt out, wasted, empty & hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, wrapped & twisted

-MB

Nothing is Unchangeable

Life's not always what it seems
it's not always as it appears.
All that you think it is or was
does so quickly disappear.

In a swift gust of wind
or with the rolling of the sea,
life will change in an instant.
It can change all that we believe.

Nothing on earth is solid.
Nothing is safe from change.
Plans are just simply that
because they're quickly rearranged.

Promises do all, even break.
They mean no actions or words.
They aren't anything to rely on
no matter what's seen or heard.

-MB